The other side of the Volturi
by chwp96
Summary: The other funnier side of the dark and powerful Volturi. Please review and I'll love you! Any feedback will be apreciated, good or bad.
1. Renata and Santiago's sex tape

**RENATA AND SANTIAGO'S SEX TAPE!!**

**A friend of mine loves Renata and Santiago so this is for her.**

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**After Alec's and Jessica's "make out" time. In another part of the Volturi castle, Renata is calmly reading Breaking Dawn when Santiago walks in. Renata looks angry and is sitting on the couch in the library.**

**Renata: **What the fuck?! This book describes me as a weak little bitch!!

**Santiago sits next to Renata.**

**Santiago: **Well, who cares Rena. We all know how much of a hot bad ass you are.

**Renata: **I DO!! My fans need to know how hardcore I am. I need to do something that will show that I'm not scared of anything! But what?

**Santiago thinking about how much he has wanted to tape him and Renata in bed took advantage of the moment.**

**Santiago: **How about we make a sex tape *wiggling eyebrow*

**Renata: **That could work but not hardcore enough…I'VE GOT IT!!

**Santiago: **What?!

**Renata**: LET'S MAKE A SEX TAPE IN ARO'S ROOM!!!

**Santiago**: O.o

**Renata waited till everyone was feeding and took Santiago and a video camera to Aro's room. Renata stripped Santiago and threw him on the bed. She set the camera up and they did the nasty for what seemed like forever. After they finished, Santiago felt satisfied and content.**

**Santiago: **Was that hardcore and bad ass enough?

**Renata:** Close, but something is missing.

**Santiago: **Well, let's think about it later. We missed dinner, wanna go get some humans outside the wall of Volterra?

**Renata**: No, you can go. I'm going to hide the camera.

**Santiago**: Ok, see you later.

**Santiago drank and drank till his hearts content. He was a bit worried about Renata, but surely she was over the whole fan thing. Santiago ran back to the castle to see everyone laughing when he walked by. Wondering what was happening, he went to Renata's room to see her with a big smile and her laptop. When she saw him, she nearly jumped out of her seat and ran to him.**

**Renata: **SANTIAGO!! GUESS WHAT!! EVERYONE NOW KNOWS HOW BAD ASS I AM!!!

**Santiago**: That's great how?

**Renata: **I posted the sex tape online! Everyone knows how awesome I am now! Look at the comments.

**Santiago ran to the laptop to see comments from a nutsbuster23 say: **

**Yo man tht bitch is hot. Daaamn renata. **

**Another comment from a TwilightIsLife said:**

**Wow renata. Ur not a wimp at all.**

**The comments went on and on until Santiago saw Aro's pen name in you tube say:**

**Santiago. In my office. Now.**

**Santiago: **Oh shit.


	2. Sex on Jane's bed and not with Jane

**Oh dear Volturi Macarena!! **

**Thanks so much for the reviews. I LIERTALLY started dancing. My friend is just over the moon. **

**Another friend of mine loves Alec so this one is to her. **

**THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! YOU ALL GET RENATA'S SEX TAPE!!…feel free to burn it.**

**TO THE NEXT CHAPTER *CHARGE***

This one is SEX ON JANE'S BED AND NOT WITH JANE!!

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**It was a typical day at the Volturi Castle. Jane and Alec are simply bored to death since they can't go out in the sunlight. So they decide to stay in throne room playing cards. Why in the throne room you ask? Because when boredom hits, randomness follows.**

**Jane and Alec are sitting on the floor playing a stupid human game known as "Go Fish"**

**Alec: **I'm telling you, this game needs a net.

**Jane:** And I'm telling you to shut your pie hole and play.

**Their argument on how to play this game known as "Go fish" was interrupted with a bang through the throne room window. Jane and Alec go investigate, but sadly they were to late. The banging was now replaced by the smashing sound of glass with a young girl tumbling to them. Once they saw she was a vampire, they repaired themselves for a fight.**

**Vampire:** Now, that wasn't the door was it. ***gets up***

**Jane: **Who are you?!!

**Vampire: **Oh sorry. I'm Jessica. I know what your all thinking and no I'm not the bitch from Forks. So read with ease.

**Jane and Alec:** ???????

**Jessica: **Well, I'm here to join the guard.

**Alec: **And why is that?

**Jessica: **I have the awesome power of turning vampires back into humans. So please at all costs, keep Rosalie Hale away from me. Hold on I have a text. ***checks cell phone***

**Rosalie Hale says:**

GET BACK HERE!! I WANT BABIES DAMNIT!!

**Jessica: **So Alec you single ***wink***

**Alec: **Yeah ***wink***

**Jane ran to her room as fast as she could fearing what would follow from their conversation. She decided to turn the stereo up on one of her favorite songs.**

**Jane: **CUZ YOU'RE A HOT MESS AND I'M FALLING FOR YOU!!!

**Alec walks by Jane's room with Jessica by his side.**

**Alec: **Jane, what are you singing?!

**Jessica: **I don't know, but I feel like dancing ***shakes booty***

**Jane: *ni gasp* **HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOWWHAT COBRA STARSHIP IS??!!! THEY ROCK!!! ***runs out of room***

**Alec: **I wonder what's her problem

**Jessica: **I think she's on her period.

**Alec: **Wanna make out in her room?

**Jessica: **Oh would I?!

**Alec and Jessica go into Jane's room and lock the door. Jane hiding behind a corner hear the springs on her bed and moaning.**

**Jane: **WTF??!!!

**Aro: **It's alright, Jane. I know exactly how you feel.

**Jane and Aro hear a bed snap in Jane's room.**

**Jane: **Oh shit.


	3. swingers convention

**Holy Volturi weasel catcher!!!**

**I get so happy with every new comment. Hope you guys are reading my dear friend's new fic. *glares* But seriously THANK YOU for the reviews!!!**

**Yes, I'm going to write yet another chapter for a friend of mine. She loves Maggie and the idea of Maggie being with Nahuel. So this one is for her.**

………………………………

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**Maggie and Nahuel have been a couple for a while now yet they haven't done anything fun. I know, believe it or not, a boring vampire. To spice things up they decided to go to a swingers convention in Forks.**

**Nahuel: **Can we go now, weird middle-aged couples keep looking at us…

**Maggie: **Quiet Nate.

**Maggie and Nate think that the convention was pretty boring so they thought a few drinks would make things better. They both sat by a bar, still being stared at by middle-aged couples, when they asked for their drinks.**

**Maggie: **One beer, please.

**Nahuel: **A cosmo for me ***wink***

**Maggie: **O.o

**Guess we all know who wears the pants in this relationship. Gallons of beer and cosmos later, Maggie and Nahuel decided a show would make everything more fun.**

**Maggie stands on bar counter.**

**Maggie: **LOOK EVERYONE!! ***lifts shirt***

**Staring crowd: *flash* *flash***

**Nahuel: **Ew, Maggie. That's not how its done.

**Nahuel stands on counter and moons crowd.**

**Crowd: **… ***chirping crickets***

**Charlie Swan: **Yeah!! WOOOO!!! *cough* I mean BOOO!!

**A few more drinking and vomiting and flashing later, random middle-aged couples started to make-out. Maggie and Nahuel feeling left out since they couldn't find another couple to make-out with. Maggie spotted a hot couple not making out with anyone. Maggie ran to them at vampire speed and started making-out with the very blonde man.**

**Nahuel: **Mag!! No fair. ***makes-out with man's date***

**The couples continued making out until a human said that the convention was over and that they had to leave. That's when they saw who the couple was.**

**Maggie: **CAIUS???!!!!!

**Caius: **RED HEADED IRISH GIRL??!!!

**Nahuel: **ARO??!!!

**Aro: **Hey there, sweetie ***wink***

**Charlie Swan holding a video camera.**

**Charlie: **Oh shit.


	4. Sex Shop Shopping

**0****Ouch, people. That hurt. I thought we had something special. But I got no review with my other chapter.**

**Ok, yes, I only gave you like a day to review, but yeah.**

**Okay, finally a chapter for me. I always had this idea of Emmett. **

**So… to the chapter!!!**

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**A normal day in Forks. Cloudy sky, pouring rain, and Emmett is feeling the need to go to a sex store. Emmett and Rosalie are watching the saddest movie of all time and if Rosalie would cry she could.**

**Emmett: **Wanna go to a hot, new sex store?

**Rosalie: **How can you ask that? After watching this?

**Emmett: **Well, she's a hooker that has all these toys, so I'm jealous.

**Rosalie: **A hooker trying to feed her baby, selling herself, finds out she has AIDS and the baby has it too.

**Emmett: **Yeah, but that shit isn't going to happen to us.

**Rosalie: **Yeah, your right. Lets go.

**Deciding that the Forks sex store wasn't enough for them. They went to an Italian sex store. Called **_**Noche di Volturi**_**. They have their own sex store. Who knew. My guess that it was Aro's idea.**

**Emmett: **Why don't you try this on?

**Rosalie: **Its made out of thread. Its hobo lingerie.

**Emmett:** But its hot 'cause we got it here.

**Rosalie: **Ok, I'll try it on.

**After Rosalie went to the changing room, Emmett took a short trip to the corner, giving a homeless man a fifty.**

**Emmett: **What can I say? I like them dirty. Any of you readers would like to give me dirty stuff ***wink***

**Group of stalker fan girls walk away slowly. Harry Potter being one of them. Snapping pictures of Emmett's butt. **

**That same moment, Jane was walking by showing the humans what they can't have when she saw Rosalie in the store. Instead of anger or fear, Jane felt the need to play a prank. She ran to her room in the castle with all her pot. It can be very boring in the castle and growing pot sounded fun at the time.**

**Jane surprisingly had pot brownies and a type of gas that made people do weird things. She ran back to the sex store where she saw Emmett and Rosalie arguing about what would be sexy or nasty. I will never get this couple. She discreetly put the plate of brownies on the cashier desk and put the gas on in the ventilator with her gas mask on. When did she get a gas mask?**

**Rosalie's eyes look dilated and she started to make out with Emmett furiously. But then, from out of no where Heidi came in with a high look on her face. *le gasp* She's been stealing Jane's pot again. Now someone for sure is going to get an ass whoopin'.**

**Rosalie spotted Heidi and let out a sigh. Rosalie let go of Emmett, walked over to the brownie plate and stuffed one in her mouth and started making out with Heidi.**

**Emmett was in total awe. For three reasons.**

** imaginary leprechaun, Hershey, was humping the hot Italian cashier's leg.**

** was making out with the Volturi hottie.**

** did she eat the brownie…?**

**Emmett felt weird and had the need to mastur-- I mean pass out! Which was what happened. Emmett woke up in Forks on the couch in front of the saddest movie of all time…with his hand down his pants…**

**Rosalie: **Were you asleep just now? I thought we couldn't sleep. Were you having a dream about me? ***wink***

**Emmett:** Yeah, you caught me. Hey, Rose, I had this idea.

**Emmett whispered to Rose that he wanted a threesome with Heidi of the Volturi. I don't think I have to explain to you the look on her face and the ass whoopin that followed right?**

**Hershey was now humping the couch with his eyes on Rosalie's butt as she whooped Emmett.**

**Hershey: *in tiny leprechaun voice* Oh shit.**

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**TADA!! End of chapter. I've been crazy inspired with this thing. **

**I missed a day of school (not that I'm complaining) just to write this for you guys. Do I get a little review…?**

**I was thinking about writing up new characters like in chapter two. So if you want in the story, PM or even better REVIEW XD!!! I'm also up for any idea for the next chapter. So lay them on me.**

**A friend of mine wrote this awesomely new fic called Volturi AIM. Its very funny and we sorta worked on it together, but she gets 99.99% of the credit. I had to leave a little something for me right ;)?**


	5. Demitri s long desired shower

**Yay! I got reviews! Thanks so much. **

**Thank you, 5 for uploading my chapters since I'm such a retard XD! I3 you, hunny.**

**Thank you everyone that reviewed. When I get a review I just feel like doing a happy dance (and I don't like dancing)**

**Ok, so JezCullen asked for a Heidi/Demetri fic. So for being the first person to request a fic, A BIG OL' SHOUT OUT TO YOU!**

**Ok then, enough thank you's that makes it sound like I'm practicing for when I get a reward…which I will…Nah, but it'd be cool though right?**

**TO MY AMAZINGLY AWESOME CHAPPIE!**

**Heidi has always been known as the beauty of the Volturi and she wasn't ashamed of it. She loved fishing with her incredibly hot net (*wink* 5). Just the other day, she made out with Rosalie Hale, while Emmett Cullen mastur--passed out! She could have any guy (or girl) that she wanted, but she only wanted Demetri. I know, like a total aw moment.**

**Heidi and Demetri were lying in bed, just holding each other when something crossed Demetri's mind.**

**Demetri: **Heidi, my love, why would a woman as beautiful as you want a man like me?

**Heidi: **'Cause you have a big dick and I have a thing for people that don't shower.

**A few more moments passed until Heidi felt the need to go to a strip club and shake her booty. She got up and ran to **_**Club di Volturi. **_**There are girls there so I'm guessing that it was Caius's idea. If there were dudes…I'm sure you guys have the answer, right?**

**A miraculous thought passed by Demetri's mind about taking the long desired shower when Heidi's phone got a text.**

**Emmett Cullen says:**

**Wat up, Heidi? So me and Rose had a talk and we would love for you to come and join. It'll start with just me first and then with Hershey, but I'm sure Rose will come along.**

**Demetri didn't know what to believe. Was Heidi cheating on him? Would he ever take a shower? Would he ever fulfill his life long dream of getting it on with Hershey. So many questions, so little sense in any of them. So he decided to walk around the castle mindlessly.**

**He continued to walk and being shunned by others for the allergy to soap and water. Until he passed Marcus playing with a sock. Hey, what was he doing. Hey, Mar-- OMG!**

**Marcus: **Its not what it looks like. I thought it was a bass fishing magazine ***looks to the right***

**Me (Charlene): **Dude, you were touching yourself with a sock and that's from Smosh! Awesome!

**Demetri: **Who the fuck are you?

**Charlene: **I'm the author, bitch!

**Demetri: **You're the one that made not want to shower?

**Charlene: **And gave you a big dick.

**Demetri: **Touché.

**Marcus: **You're the one that doesn't mention me! And all those places are mine! Theres a gay _Club di Volturi _but Aro pretty much took over.

**Charlene: **Why did you make a gay one?

**Marcus: **There was a time where I was curious about my sexual orientation, then I knew for sure I was straight when I saw Aro making out with one of the strippers.

**Heidi: *pops out of a genie bottle in a genie outfit* ** Wasn't this supposed to be a fanfic about me and Demetri?

**Charlene: **Your right. How about I end this fic with you two sleeping together?

**Heidi: *smelling Demetri's toxic fumes* **Yeah, that could work. ***grabs Demetri and runs to Aro's room***

**Aro: *yells from **_**Gay Club di Volturi* **_ Why the fuck do people continue to fuck on my bed! I was planning on taking Pablo there!

**Marcus: **You know, since you don't write the copyright thing, you could get sued.

**Charlene: **O.O

**Hershey: *humping genie bottle* **Oh shit.

**As Marcus said, yes, I should do the copyright thing.**

**I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT! Even though that would be almost more awesome then Hershey.**

**Hershey: *le gasp***

**Charlene: **I said almost, Hershey!

**I don't own Jessica. That belongs to one of the author's in .**

**I do own Hershey, the horny leprechaun and Jake's boxers.**

**Jacob: **WTF! Why do you have my boxers?

**Charlene: **Selling them on EBay. I have to make money some how.

**Jacob: **O.o


End file.
